Opposites Attract, But Similarities Bind
This blog post is inspired by a comment on my previous post “The Law Of Attraction – You Attract What You Are”. In the comment, it is mentioned that “opposites attract more than what you are or what is similar to you.”
Now, I’m a strong believer in the Law of Attraction, but I can’t deny that opposites can attract as well. However, for a relationship to stand strong through time, I do believe that people form friendships or relationships with people who hold the same core values, especially when it comes to relationships.
We date a wide variation of people in order to find the ideal partner, which can be both easy and difficult depending on the set of core values people have, such as integrity, family, or success. And often, we have unforgettable memories of people who are the exact opposite of us due to challenges we come to face. Eventually, it may prove to be unmanageable over the long-term, however, what makes these memories persistent is because of all the emotional and educational choices we made in attempting to keep a relationship going.
But why do we choose to fall in love with someone who can drive us completely insane as well as make us feel like we are in heaven?
Why Opposites Seem To Attract In Relationships
There are many benefits when you’re with someone who is similar to you. Also, the same can be true when being with someone different because they can help you grow in unexpected significant ways. You might have observed this in your own or your friends’ relationships. However, does the idea behind attraction suggest that opposites do attract, or is this a wrong idea that we relate to romance?
Here are three reasons to think we may:
1. Reflect On Each Other’s Values
We go through different life stages and as we go through them, we develop a set of core values that become the foundation of our beliefs and how we live our lives.
Imagine you’re with someone who’s similar to you, then you live a comfortable life in which you don’t or hardly reflect on these values because there’s simply no need for it. But if someone comes into your life who is your opposite and you respect this person’s intellect and decision, chances are you re-think the values that you previously perceived as the truth.
Be aware that such confrontations can make it hard to decide how to live with one another. However, if both can manage to talk through this and understand each other’s values, you may develop more self-knowledge and an updated set of values that better represents who you are.
2. There’s More To Discover For Both
When you’re with someone who’s similar to you, there’s less need for compromise because you can enjoy lots of the same interests. However, there are shortcomings regarding repetitive habits and interests which can reach a level of boredom and stop growth.
On the other hand, the opposite people can often introduce each other to new habits and activities. This will require you to be open-minded. When you do, you’ll come to discover there’s more within you than you have initially thought.
Also, when seeking help or advice, it’s likely that you often reach out to people who intuitively understand you. So, many of these people will also be similar to you in certain ways. Though they know what you want and be able to shift into your perspective easily, they can’t offer you that much beyond your own thinking.
Seeking the advice of someone who differs from you affords you a chance to think completely differently, which is especially useful when you have used all your usual strategies and solutions. Having a partner different from you means direct access to someone who looks at your situation in a completely new way, offering thoughts and ideas that simply wouldn’t occur to you given the way you usually think and vice versa.
3. You Complement Each Other
Last but not least, let’s not forget the benefit of dating your opposite has the potential for complementary qualities. It can help you to create a sense of balance, for example, one might be shy and serious while the other is outgoing and funny. In this case, it’s easy to see how both partners view the other as ideal as in one’s strengths balancing out the other’s weaknesses.
Additionally, complementary qualities go even further. If you’re an optimist and your partner is a pessimist, you can make more accurate assessments and potential choices by putting both minds together. And let’s not leave out the possibility of having complementary skill sets.
It has been said that the happiest couples never have the same qualities, they just have the best understanding of their differences.
Are You Sure That Opposites Attract?
Unfortunately, there’s no research showing that differences in personality, interests, education, upbringing, or other traits lead to greater attraction.
On the contrary, researchers found in one study that college students preferred descriptions of mates whose written bios were similar to themselves or their ideal self over those described as complementing themselves.
Besides that, there’s evidence that small differences between spouses can become larger over time. Psychologists Andrew Christensen, Brian Doss and Neil Jacobson describe in their self-help book “Reconcilable Differences” how partners move into roles that are complementary over time.
Here’s an example you might be familiar with: When one member of a couple is slightly more humorous than the other, the couple may settle in which one claims the role of “the funny one” while the other settles into the role of “the serious one.” Research has demonstrated that partners grow more complementary over time. They may begin as quite similar, they find ways to differentiate themselves by degree.
In the end, people persist in thinking opposites attract, when in reality, relatively similar partners just become a bit more complementary as time goes by.
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- What do you think of opposites attract?
- What are your experiences with it?
- Do you have more insights to share with us?
Have your say in the comment section 🙂
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I value differences for the reasons you have outlined, but I always find myself looking for those who share these 3 fundamental similarities: lived abroad, don’t squander money, and interested in providing some sort of value to other people. Thanks for your insightful post!
Hi Shin, thank you and you’re welcome 🙂
I totally understand both sides of the argument, but to me, it seems that long term stable relationships are based more on similarity than differences 🙂
Hi Sarah, thanks for dropping by 🙂 Great we both agree to that!
Sometimes it’s also because this kind if relationships make us feel alive. It challenges us. It makes me feel like we stepped out of our comfort zones. This is a good read. 🙂
Hi Dani! Great to hear from you again and thank you. I can certainly agree to that 🙂
Ye, thank you for this piece. In my undergraduate studies, during a human sexual behavior class, our professor told us that there is no scientific research supporting “opposites attract.” Long, sustainable relationships happen between people with similar values. I try to tell my friends this all the time. Love is very nuanced!
Hi Alexandra, you’re welcome and thank you 🙂
I do agree, similar partners will be able to establish a sturdier relationship.
There are a lot of people who feel attracted by someone totally opposite to them but | don´t see much future in that kind of relationship, as you mentioned the differences makes things more interesting but depending on how different you will only see them as interesting for a few months, then they´ll become annoying.
I guess when we fall for someone that is completely different from us, what we are really trying to do is to live through that person, add the personality traits to our portfolio and get to experience the world through their eyes but the thing is, I think there must be a reason why you didn´t choose to live like them in the first place.
Hi Carla, very nice insights and thanks for your honest reply 🙂
I love this post. My hubby and I have been together for over 30 years. During this time, we have definitely grown more similar and so strong in our relationship but I also love that our differences fulfill something special in both of us.
Hi Elise, that’s great! Congratulations 🙂 thanks for stopping by.
You’re spot on with this post. Differences can make things interesting, but probably won’t give a relationship the foundation it needs to build a future together. I think you’re right too when you say that differences spring up the longer people are in a relationship, but everyone is different. What brings people close to one another is similarities. Thanks for the post!
Hi Kay, thank you 🙂 and you’re welcome!
This is so true! I agree, where it draws comparison of couples with similar traits being more at ease in delving into passion, work-life balance more easier.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Sahar! 🙂
Interesting article. I think for a relationship to work, you need to at least have similar values and principles. As well as some overlapping interests. Yes opposites can work and will bring in more adventures into each other’s lives initially, in the long term, it will require more effort to maintain and more compromising. Good article!
Thanks Janey! As long as there’s a sincere understanding of each other’s values, I believe it can work 🙂
I guessed sometomes opposite attracts, in my life i encounter some of them but in the end it never worked. Today I’m happily married to my bestfriend so I think similarities are very important too to build a lasting relationship. Thank you for your sincerw article.
Hi Lai, that’s great! I glad to hear you’re happily married to your best friend. I hope your similarities build a strong foundation to explore each other’s opposites 🙂
Great article–this is a very valid point. While some people are drawn to others who are completely opposite to them, ultimately core values need to be there in order to establish a lasting relationship. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Hi Abby, thank you so much for dropping by 🙂
I agree that someone who is very different from us can catch our attention, however, it’s the ones that share our same core values that stick. Thanks for sharing your awesome insight.
I have usually attracted males who had similar interests, yet different. We have always complimented each other, for instance my husband, he is great with finances and math while I am the word and writing person. Our interests for the most part are the same, but we have picked up new ones together which is awesome.
Hi Joyce, that’s great! I do hope you two share the same or similar core values 🙂
My husband and I are opposites with a lot of character traits but our core values are the same. I can’t imagine what it would be like if they weren’t. This is an interesting subject though, thanks for posting!!
Thanks Mandy 🙂 and thanks for sharing your thoughts!
You make some very interesting points here. I guess personally for me, being an introvert I will definitely be attracted to someone who is opposite natured but if I dig deep I would like to be with someone who has similar tastes and habits as mine. But of course strong partnerships requires lot of work and love as well.
Thanks Suktara 🙂
What seems most important to me is to find a complement; someone who balances you out. So, beyond being attracted to the things that like about a person or being attracted to the things are opposite who you are, finding someone with that perfect complement to your temperament, skills and abilities should probably be the goal. This way, you will help make each other better. Thanks for sharing an important topic.
Thanks for your input Vox 🙂
You make very insightful points here. I think all these traits are necessary for a relationship to be both interesting, and steady, some differences are good, and some similarities too so people are not so different that they can’t find common ground. This is a great article on the nature of relationships. All these traits are needed to sustain it for the long term.
Thanks Jane 🙂 Appreciate it!
“But why is it that we often choose to fall in love with someone who can drive us completely insane as well as make us feel like we are in heaven?”
Having been married for over eight years, I’ve asked myself this question many times. In my search for an answer, I’ve found that “opposites attract” because we admire those qualities which we don’t possess ourselves. The introvert is drawn to the extrovert because they wish they could be more sociable. The neat freak is drawn to the slob because they wish they could be more care-free. And so goes the irony of romance.
But you’re right that being with someone who’s your “opposite” in personality and temperament can lead to friction. It takes communication (and lots of it) to work through the bickering and get to the heart of what really matters – the common ground of shared values.
For a long-term relationship to work, especially a marriage, both partners should be heading in the same direction. They might not always agree on how to get there, but ideally, they should want the same things out of life.
And, hopefully, we can continue to view disagreements not as something to be avoided or upset about, but as opportunities to be constructively challenged, see things from another point of view, and expand our way of thinking.
Hi Nicole, thanks for sharing your story and insights 🙂
I have experienced similar situations in my relationships and you’re right, it requires a lot of clear and understanding communication. I love you perspective on this topic 🙂
This is really good and true! Before meeting my husband, I dated a few guys that I had less in common with. Though it can be fun, seemingly small differences definitely escalate over time. My husband and I not only share the same values and beliefs, we also have a lot of similar interests. Our personalities are different for sure, but our similarities is what creates greater intimacy.
Hi Rebecca, I hope all is well with you and your husband 🙂 And it’s not that I don’t believe that opposites can work, but it requires for the two to work harder to make up for their differences 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story!
This has made me take a step back and think about my current relationship, in a good way. Thanks.
Hi Chantelle, I’m glad it helped 🙂 take good care!
I have really not paid much attention to this type of comparison in the past. However, after reading this it really makes me think which is better.
Thank you for sharing this Ye Chen!
Hi Zjir, great to hear from you! It’s something to think about 🙂